Champagne Bacon
A Subsidiary of BIG PIG
A detailed process of the method of manufacturing champagne bacon.
1. First what you want to do see is uh, take a piglet and make that sucker get fat, I mean real fat.
2. The way you do the aforementioned is uh, feed it champagne with some of our glorious hog feed.
3. Make sure that sucker gets thoroughly inebriated throughout it’s life.
4. Now, after about 2 or 3 years of living a thoroughly debauched lifestyle (even for a pig), you slaughter it (The method of slaughtering is where it gets interesting).
5. You get a big ol pot ready, and fill that sucker with the champagne that it’s been used to imbibing all it’s life (by now it won’t take much more convincing).
6. Then you slowly trick it into the pot by various experimental methods (apply your favorite).
7. Once that sucker is in the pot, you slowly start to increase the heat on ‘im.
8. Eventually the pig dies in the reveries of a drunken stupor.
9. The butchering should be a cinch as the champagne and heat has made the meat beyond tender.
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The Risen Crust
Church of your Loaf and Savor
It has been revealed to me, on this April the 5th of 2021, that the personage of Jesus Christ has already returned.
For, we believe that he was buried, and in that burial, he has decayed and given his bodily nutrients to the soil. Which in turn has yielded much good wheat. And it is out of that good wheat, which was properly milled, that he was turned into the most refined of flours. And out of that flour my good sirs and ladies, he was converted into a loaf of bread.
The clue came to me in a Subway as I munched into a delicious tuna fish sandwich. I saw for the first time! The fish sign of the Christians! It all made sense now! For the personage of Christ was hidden in my loaf of bread enveloping the tuna (remember FISH SIGN).
The glorious taste of the tuna sandwich melted in my gullet as I digested it’s cucumber, vinegar, and olive oil (remember olive tree). The layers of delicious prophecy were all there, the whole time hidden beneath my nose!
As I passed a Church on my way home, another clue! HE IS RISEN! Just as a delicious loaf of bread rises in the oven!
And so, it is with this revelation, that I must sincerely apologize for taking any tuna fish sandwich for granted. Never properly perceiving the hidden deeper meaning of it all!
We end this revelation with the greeting of our most esteemed Church.
“Howdy neighbor?
Receive this wafer, as your loaf, and savor.”
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TommyKnockers & Cuhcaine
Stephen King, in his book “On Writing” mentioned that he wrote the book “Tommyknockers” whilst thoroughly addicted to “Cuhcaine” (Matthew Mconaghey voice). This explains that whole novel to me in a light that had never been presented to me before.
The novel is about the ghosts of aliens possessing people and gifting them ominously advanced alien technology. I remember loving the book as a child. But, here’s the thing, after finding out that he had written the book while addicted to cocaine, the book’s themes were unraveled for me and made sense.
You see, during the drug wars America fought various cartels in which many “illegal aliens” were killed. The ghosts of these aliens got imbued into the cuhcaine and began powering Stephen King’s mind, in turn giving him the energy needed in allowing him to piece together (like a machine) his novel “The Tommyknockers".
The advanced alien technology is the novel.
Woah, mind blown (Mconaghey voice).
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A Joke For People To Hate Me By
The other day, I saw a homeless guy standing outside with a cup in his hand, and he happens to catch me on a day where I’m feeling good with myself so I go ahead and toss some change into his cup.
End of story right? Good deed done and on to my next destination? Wrong.
The guy gets angry! He gets red in the face looks into his cup and tosses his coffee and my money out into the street.
Turns out he was just dirty and needed a shower.
Copyright by Jimmy Eleazar Vargas De Sanchez
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